Last night, I had the oddest feeling. I wanted to call you and hear your voice. I longed to talk to you, but, then I remembered: I am not yours and you are not mine and we are not we because we were not meant to be. So, I listened to music until I fell asleep. I’m glad I didn’t crack and text you something stupid that I’d regret this morning.

Today is new.

It’s 4:05 a.m. and  I can’t sleep.  My mind is a mess again. Always.  What have  I done? Why did I do that? Was I too hasty? I’m always too hasty. I don’t know what  I don’t know, and it’s driving me mad. 

I miss you terribly.  I miss your voice,  I miss your texts.  I miss not talking to you for a long time and then texting you a novel and knowing I’ll get a response back. I feel so sad whenever  I think about you, and  I think about you a lot these days.  I think about sitting on your bed and having conversations about my stupid Tinder dates and everything else. I wish  I could tell you what’s happened.  I wish I could have called you up and just told you everything beforehand. You would know what to do; you always knew what to do. I really miss you, J. 

I did act too hasty. I know  I did. And yet, I wasn’t feeling anything at the time. There’s a part of me that thinks I might have eventually felt something more, but at the time, I was so scared of hurting someone. So,  I bowed out. Again. Before it was “too late.” And now?  I don’t know. 

I  J U S T  D O N T  K N  O W