I just wanted you to know me; you were the closest any person has ever gotten to knowing the real me.

But I guess no one will ever really know what I’m thinking or why I can’t seem to truly open up or make myself talk about things. Everything’s happening up here in my head; there’s so much going on. For a split second I thought you could read my mind but I think you looked away. The moment was lost and now I feel unbearably lonely again. .

I lie awake in the dark and I feel like I can’t breathe. The sadness is too heavy. Fear rests like a noose around my neck, tightening slowly as I try to fight it off desperately. My doubts are too many; they threaten to swallow me whole. 

“I am so lonely; I am so alone.”

There it is. The nightmarish fear that’s become my reality.

I toss and turn as I try to fight off this thought but it’s too big and  I am suddenly lost at sea. Toss and turn and listen to music and try to forget…and repeat. Nothing helps. Text friends, call someone, try to read. I start mentally counting imaginary sheep but they all turn into giant whales that chase me through my ocean of doubts and all these doubts are ghosts from my past and the nightmare won’t stop. Make it stop. 

Sweaty, crying, hurting. What is sleep? I cannot sleep; my mind is buzzing with lies and doubts and dark thoughts that  I dare not utter aloud. 

“Help me. I’m scared.”

I whisper it into the darkness and I lie here with tears streaming down my cheeks onto my pillow as  I stare into the darkness. Do you hear me?

“Do you hear me? Do you see me? Help me, I’m so scared and  I can’t stop these thoughts and these feelings.”

And then, in the stillness and in the darkness,  I hear something. Not with my ears, but with my heart. 

“No. You are not alone. You have never been alone.  I have always been here, you see. Even when you pushed me away and rejected me. When you spit in my face and you left me, I never left you. I watched you from a distance, but  I never abandoned you. And when you shattered into pieces and lay there bleeding and hoping for death,  I was  with you.  I was waiting. When you blasphemed and cursed my name and said you didn’t believe, I waited. And when you went your own way and tried desperately to lose yourself and find yourself in other things, people, places, I cried because you were breaking my heart. But  I never left you. When those things, people places let you down and hurt you and left you unsatisfied, I was here.  I was waiting. When you shakily crawled back on bloodied knees and you had nothing but a desperate sorry and a willing, seeking heart,  I was waiting. I was watching and  I was waiting and  I saw you. I ran to you because you are mine and  I am yours and I love you. No, you are not alone. I see you;  I have always seen you.  I know you.  I know all of you.  I know your story from beginning to end and  I am here until forever for you. I love you, little one;  I love you so much. Come back to me. Taste and see that  I am good. You’re crying, but  I am going to wipe your tears. You’re tired; lean into me and let me hold you and comfort you with truth and love. See, you are not alone.  I have not abandoned you. Walk my way once more;  I am waiting and  I cannot wait to run to you and hold you close once more.”

Truth hits me like a tidal wave and crashes into the wall of doubts that have encased my heart over time. Truth. You. You are truth. Suddenly…nothing else matters. Suddenly,  I am crying but these tears are not from sadness. These tears are from a deep joy that is bubbling up from the depths of my very soul. A deep joy that is fueled by truth and light.  Truth sets us free and you are truth. You set me free.  I am not abandoned. I am yours; you are mine. 

I am loved. 

Help me fall in love with love; help me fall in love with you.