I love how all my friends are different and I connect with each of them in a different way. Today,  I spent two hours talking to Ben. We talked about everything that’s going on in our lives; I’m always able to share the good and the bad with him without fearing judgement. We talked about serious issues in our lives but ended up joking around and giggling at each other as we tried to mimic each other’s accents. It is so freeing to laugh loud and long without even thinking about whether or not you’re being obnoxious. I am able to be myself, and that’s the best feeling in the world.  

Friends are great and my friends are  absolutely wonderful in every way and  I’m so so so grateful for each of them and I’m just so filled with happiness right now and  I know this is a run-on sentence so  I’ll stop here but  I just really love my friends because they fill my life with so much laughter and smiles and joy and love and thats what’s up at this exact moment okay thanks bye. 

You love me. You really love me. You love me when I don’t love you. You love me when I run from you. You love me when I lie awake in the dark yelling horrible things at you though tears of anger and frustration. You love me when I don’t trust you so I try to manipulate situations and conversations in my life. You love me when I try to find fulfillment in the approval and love of people rather than you. You love me when all my actions disappoint you. I disappoint you daily and yet you still love me. You really, really love me.

I did the right thing. You couldn’t be more and I couldn’t keep making myself anything less than what I want to be. I hate that it seems like I’m taking this “so well” and that I’m not hurting because that is not the case. I’m breaking. I broke multiple times yesterday and today I just feel hollow. I’m not “okay.” I won’t be for some time.

Yesterday was not the end of life. It was shocking and different and it marked the end of something, but that something was not life. Life will go on. I will go on. Everything that has happened is preparing me for my future of happenings, and I know that although the deconstruction process is painful, it’s shaping me into the person I will be and making me stronger along the way. The reconstruction will be worth all this pain.

There is so much good in my life; there is so much good to come.

Aaand just like that I feel soooo much better. It’s amazing what a simple phone call from a friend can do for you. 

Also, I can’t wait for summer and the city and shopping and taking cute pictures and seeing two very important people.