I only want you. I want you so bad that it hurts; it scares me. I never thought I would reach the point where I would feel like I need you but I do. I need you more and more and I don’t know how to tell you without messing things up or sounding crazy. I feel things and then I get scared and say the most ridiculous things imaginable because I’m scared. I’m scared of how much I want and need you. I’m scared of allowing myself to openly and honestly feel that which I feel.

Oh, why am I so scared to be human? I kick and scream and fight against my emotions; It’s like I bury everything in a box and am tempted to throw away the key.

• I won’t ask if any of you have ever felt this way but I’ll tell you something I’ve been feeling lately. Part of me feels like I exist elsewhere. Somewhere out there is another me that lives and breathes and enjoys doing so. Somewhere out there is ground that my feet are accustomed to. 

  Somewhere out there is a smile and it belongs to that other me. Somewhere out there I feel welcomed. I can feel it; I can hear it. Its like a glorious ringing in my ears that stops me in my tracks and demands my attention. It’s so real that I can almost taste it at times. It’s what keeps me awake at night; it keeps me tossing and turning and running through my dreams. I want to find it;  I want to live it…that feeling of belonging.  It keeps me from settling and at the same time it keeps me glued to my seat in wait for it to make itself known. 

  It troubles me and excites me at the same time.  I’m so curious…I can’t stand it.  I know curiosity killed the cat, but  I’m not a cat and  I’m certain that finding out about  this would not kill me.  I can’t shake it. I don’t want to. 

  I want to seek it out–this other me.  I want to find her. I want to BE her. 

  Maybe this makes no sense.  It doesn’t really matter, though; it’s how  I feel. 

It was clear to me.  I’d been allowing my fears to overcome me and inprison me.  I did not like how  I felt but  I was comfortable with it.  I was settled. It was as if  I had buried myself below the earth and I was just waiting to close my eyes and die.  I could go no lower.  I had allowed the opinions and actions of others to push me down; I would not fight back because  I believed every poisonous word they ever said to me.  I let each word seep in and make itself a part of me. I was becoming who they said  I was.  I was their puppet.  I was no longer myself.  I had given up. 

But  I’m done now;  I’ve learned my lesson,  I’m moving on. I will stop listening to the voices that hold me hostage and plant fear in my heart. I will stop ridiculously punishing myself for things  I cannot control and  I will take back control of the things in my life that should never have gotten out of hand. I will travel far outside my comfort zone and  I will hurt but  I will feel free. I will live and enjoy my existence. I will trust and love and hope and give freely. There will only be one rule:  I will NOT look back and focus on what  I SHOULD have done. The past is the past. 

Onward.