I forgive you and  I love you.

It’s taken me forever to get to this point and mean it. Earlier this week all  I had in my heart was bitterness towards you. I imagined myself seeing you in the future and giving you the cold shoulder.  I imagined you coming up to me and saying hi and I imagined just walking away and ignoring you completely. I’m ashamed now to admit that at the time, I took delight in that mental scenario.  I wanted to hurt you just as much as you hurt me; I wanted to be the one to ignore you.  I wanted to be the one to walk away. But not anymore. Now, where bitterness was, there is only love. Not fake, romance-inspired,self-fulfilling, empty love but true love. That love can only be there because of one thing: forgiveness. Forgiveness is the foundation. I see that now.  I know that now. 

I thought I loved you, but  I didn’t love you in the right way.  I loved who you thought you were.  I loved who you were on the outside. I never really got to know the person within; I never tried to understand you. I was too busy making it all about me. That’s why you hurt me so easily.  I didn’t know who  I was, so  I made everything about me.  I even made you about me. I didn’t love you,  I loved me. I set my identity in you and when you failed me,  I was crushed. I put expectations on you that you didn’t deserve because they really had nothing to do with you.  How you made me feel, how you didn’t make me feel. I expected you to fulfill me.  I expected you to satisfy me. I found self-confidence through the way you looked at me and treated me, talked to me, ignored me.   Me, me, me. 

I forgive you.  I forgive you for everything because  I finally know what forgiveness is and where it comes from.  I finally know who I am and no one can take that from me.  Because  I know who  I am,  I see you for who you are and not what you  or  I think you are.  You are not your career, you are not your accomplishments and you are not your failures. You are so much more; there is so much light in you that  I couldn’t see before. I am so sorry, dear one. You are so much more than flesh and bone and things that your body does and things that your mouth says. 

So,  I forgive you,  I love you,  I wish you the best of the best. And if our paths ever cross again,  I will not ignore you.  I cannot.  That’s not what forgiveness does; that’s not how love works. 

I just wanted you to know me; you were the closest any person has ever gotten to knowing the real me.

But I guess no one will ever really know what I’m thinking or why I can’t seem to truly open up or make myself talk about things. Everything’s happening up here in my head; there’s so much going on. For a split second I thought you could read my mind but I think you looked away. The moment was lost and now I feel unbearably lonely again. .

Today is Monday and I get to see you after two weeks and I am so excited and I can’t stop smiling and last week was so stressful and I cried a lot but now just thinking about getting to spend time with you makes me really happy and this is a run-on sentence but I really don’t give a damn