If you know it’s not right, don’t force it. The right one will come for you and he’ll love you enough to not break you. 

I forgive you and  I love you.

It’s taken me forever to get to this point and mean it. Earlier this week all  I had in my heart was bitterness towards you. I imagined myself seeing you in the future and giving you the cold shoulder.  I imagined you coming up to me and saying hi and I imagined just walking away and ignoring you completely. I’m ashamed now to admit that at the time, I took delight in that mental scenario.  I wanted to hurt you just as much as you hurt me; I wanted to be the one to ignore you.  I wanted to be the one to walk away. But not anymore. Now, where bitterness was, there is only love. Not fake, romance-inspired,self-fulfilling, empty love but true love. That love can only be there because of one thing: forgiveness. Forgiveness is the foundation. I see that now.  I know that now. 

I thought I loved you, but  I didn’t love you in the right way.  I loved who you thought you were.  I loved who you were on the outside. I never really got to know the person within; I never tried to understand you. I was too busy making it all about me. That’s why you hurt me so easily.  I didn’t know who  I was, so  I made everything about me.  I even made you about me. I didn’t love you,  I loved me. I set my identity in you and when you failed me,  I was crushed. I put expectations on you that you didn’t deserve because they really had nothing to do with you.  How you made me feel, how you didn’t make me feel. I expected you to fulfill me.  I expected you to satisfy me. I found self-confidence through the way you looked at me and treated me, talked to me, ignored me.   Me, me, me. 

I forgive you.  I forgive you for everything because  I finally know what forgiveness is and where it comes from.  I finally know who I am and no one can take that from me.  Because  I know who  I am,  I see you for who you are and not what you  or  I think you are.  You are not your career, you are not your accomplishments and you are not your failures. You are so much more; there is so much light in you that  I couldn’t see before. I am so sorry, dear one. You are so much more than flesh and bone and things that your body does and things that your mouth says. 

So,  I forgive you,  I love you,  I wish you the best of the best. And if our paths ever cross again,  I will not ignore you.  I cannot.  That’s not what forgiveness does; that’s not how love works. 

“I hope you never try to hide your feelings from me.”

These words were spoken to me tonight. It made me think and then I found myself reflecting on the events that have taken place since last summer. I hid my feelings for so long since then that it had become my “normal.” Even before then, I would go about as if things were fine but inside I was falling apart. I did that because I was secretly scared of the person I loved. I was scared of him leaving me if he ver found out I felt anything but happy. But I wasn’t happy. And looking back, a big part of why I wasn’t happy stemmed from my fear of his opinion of me. I felt like he wouldn’t love me if I complained or was unhappy. The thing is, he never loved me at all. It’s funny, though. I couldn’t see any of that last summer. Maybe I didn’t see it until my friend said what he said tonight. I see now.

It’s nice to laugh and talk about life with someone who gets you. A true friend. It’s nice to know that you can tell someone exactly how you feel as you’re feeling it.

*sigh*

Even if they’re currently living in another country and the only way you can talk to them is through Skype.

I feel so restless. I can’t sleep; my mind is too awake. I want to be out there doing something, but where is “there”? Will I fit? Will it feel familiar? Will it feel like home? Will I get “there” and think, “this is what I’ve been wanting; this is the missing piece”? I cannot sleep. These thoughts cannot just be thoughts anymore. I feel so frustrated. I cannot stay the same. I am not the same.