I forgive you and  I love you.

It’s taken me forever to get to this point and mean it. Earlier this week all  I had in my heart was bitterness towards you. I imagined myself seeing you in the future and giving you the cold shoulder.  I imagined you coming up to me and saying hi and I imagined just walking away and ignoring you completely. I’m ashamed now to admit that at the time, I took delight in that mental scenario.  I wanted to hurt you just as much as you hurt me; I wanted to be the one to ignore you.  I wanted to be the one to walk away. But not anymore. Now, where bitterness was, there is only love. Not fake, romance-inspired,self-fulfilling, empty love but true love. That love can only be there because of one thing: forgiveness. Forgiveness is the foundation. I see that now.  I know that now. 

I thought I loved you, but  I didn’t love you in the right way.  I loved who you thought you were.  I loved who you were on the outside. I never really got to know the person within; I never tried to understand you. I was too busy making it all about me. That’s why you hurt me so easily.  I didn’t know who  I was, so  I made everything about me.  I even made you about me. I didn’t love you,  I loved me. I set my identity in you and when you failed me,  I was crushed. I put expectations on you that you didn’t deserve because they really had nothing to do with you.  How you made me feel, how you didn’t make me feel. I expected you to fulfill me.  I expected you to satisfy me. I found self-confidence through the way you looked at me and treated me, talked to me, ignored me.   Me, me, me. 

I forgive you.  I forgive you for everything because  I finally know what forgiveness is and where it comes from.  I finally know who I am and no one can take that from me.  Because  I know who  I am,  I see you for who you are and not what you  or  I think you are.  You are not your career, you are not your accomplishments and you are not your failures. You are so much more; there is so much light in you that  I couldn’t see before. I am so sorry, dear one. You are so much more than flesh and bone and things that your body does and things that your mouth says. 

So,  I forgive you,  I love you,  I wish you the best of the best. And if our paths ever cross again,  I will not ignore you.  I cannot.  That’s not what forgiveness does; that’s not how love works. 

This summer will definitely be different. For once  I can say that  I do not really know what to expect and that’s okay.  It’s taken me ages to be able to say that and mean it truthfully. I’ve done a bit of failing, a bit of hiding, a bit of crawling to find my way but  I’m ever so  slowly making my way back again. I’ve skinned my knees and I’ve felt trampled at times but I’m ready to dust myself off and try again and again. I’ve learned that pain isn’t always bad. If you’re hurting, at least you’re feeling; if you’re feeling, you’re living.  Life will hurt you and you might fall, but there’s always a way back. I’m ready to be new. The old me will always be there but in time, it will just be a memory.  I’m ready for the future and this time  I’ll be brave.